Life can be very challenging. We strive to walk a good path, being accepting and unselfish, but how do we deal with negative people when their anger is directed at us or when our aggression or frustration gets the best of us?
We are all human, and we all have feelings, and yes, egos. When aggressive, angry people confront you, it is sometimes hard to keep your ego or pride in check. Dealing with a person or child who is acting out of raw anger or blind rage can also be very tough. How do we handle an abusive aggressor and still remain calm and in control? It is a hard road, but there is a solution which has helped many people tremendously over the years.
- Listen to what your emotions are telling you but dont let them get ther better of you. Separate ego thoughts of retaliation and defense from those more positive influences loving, caring emotions. Remember the ego will always defend by attacking or withdrawing, so you must know how to curb your ego and settle your mind. When we think and act out of positive emotions, we will always pick the correct actions.
- Try to see and agree with their point, create rapport with the aggressor if possible. We sometimes can understand the motives behind peoples actions if we give thought to their situation. Remember there is no right or wrong, there is only different points of view and opinion. So seek to see the other side of the disagreement. If you know the abuse towards you is unwarranted, and you cannot see the truth or motivation behind the situation, just calmly listen to what they have to say. You don’t have to agree with them, but do strive to know why they are acting the way they are. Listen intently to what they are saying. You can rebut with something like; “I understand that you are felling a certain way, and that I perhaps did something to provoke these feeling, but I did not intend to cause this situation. That was not my intention and I apologize. I hope that you feel better soon, and if there is something I can do to help, please let me know” Simple as that.
- Let them speak, and be interested in what they have to say. The ego is a simple thing give it your undivided attention and it is happy. If you are sincere when listening to others, it satisfies their basic need for attention and they will be less aggressive. Sometimes people just want to be heard and noticed, So listen and let them know you see them and are interested in their thoughts and opinions, even if the problem is with you. When responding, always use their name in the sentence. This makes them feel important, and may lessen their anger even more. Responses like. “John, I understand what you are getting at and can respect your point of view.” Or maybe; “I can see where you are coming from, John.” also remember eye contact, Nothing shows you are interested in what someone is saying more than eye contact.
- Accept responsibility for your actions. If you actually did do something to create the problem, and the complaint is legitimate, take responsibility for your actions. Apologize. Offer reciprocity or ask them if you can do anything to make them feel better. Most of the time, people just want to be heard and apologized to.
- Defuse their anger in whichever way you can by apologizing and letting them know that you understand, takes actions to remove stress from the situation by keeping a calm and relaxed pace to your speech. If someone is about to push you, you can either back away or confront their advances. Confronting their advances only deepens the well of discord and creates a fight, but by intelligently backing off, their aggression is immediately defused. By removing the motivation for their advance, you can defuse the situation before it gets out of hand. When you feel your anger rising in defense of your ego, immediately take a deep breath and find a calming image or memory. Know that the anger and negativity within you or your attacker is only a temporary emotional imbalance which can be corrected. You are not the negative things the person thinks about you or the negative emotions you are feeling yourself.
- Knowledge is power, Knowing the reason for their or your negativity and aggression will assist you in resolving the problem, even if you do not know how to maturely convey this. If dealing with another person thank them for letting you know how they feel, Let them know you appreciate them having the courage to let this matter out to encourage verbal communication between the parties involved. Respond accordingly, but always reply positively as this progresses the solution if you respond negatively this causes the person or your mind to put blocks in place to ignore the information or input you are giving and can prolong the negative emotions you or they are feeling.
So What is Aggression Frustration?
Although aggression frustration appears easy to recognise, defining it proves more difficult. The difficulty appears to lie in distinguishing between acceptable aggressive behaviour which can occur when individuals are angry or frustrated, and violence, which involves the use of physical force and inflicts damage or injury to a person or property. In 1976 Moyer argued that aggression may be no more than verbal or symbolic, but violence denotes, “a form of human aggression that involves inflicting physical damage on persons or property.”
Humanistic psychologists such as Maslow (1968) have made this distinction by classing aggression as:
- Natural or positive aggression which is aimed largely at self-defence, combating prejudice or social injustice, or
- Pathological aggression which results when an individual’s inner nature has become twisted or frustrated.
Another distinction has been made by Buss (1961) who considers aggression as either hostile or instrumental aggression. He argues that:
- Hostile aggression occurs when the aggressive behaviour is aimed solely at hurting another, i.e., aggression for the sake of aggression.
- Instrumental aggression occurs when aggression is a means to an end, which includes self-defence.
So lets look at types of aggressive behaviour
Aggression can be distressing or harmful to the recipient. Types of behaviour considered aggressive include the following:
- Shouting
- Swearing
- Personal insults/name calling
- Racial or sexual comments
- Verbal threats
- Posturing/threatening gestures
- Abusive phone calls/letters
- Harassment
- Emotional abuse
- Sarcasm
Theories of Aggression
The most influential theories of aggression (Berkowitz, 1993) can be broadly divided into the following:
- Theories that see aggression as an instinct.
- Theories that suggest frustration is an important factor in aggression.
- Theories that suggest aggression is learned behaviour.
Aggression as an Instinct
There are a number of theories which explain aggression by suggesting that aggressive behaviour occurs because each individual is born with an aggressive instinct. Such theories suggest that aggression is innate, i.e. inborn, and, therefore, unavoidable. Outlets such as competitive sport and creative pursuits serve to reduce socially unacceptable aggressive behaviour. Proponents of these theories include Freud (1856-1939); Hayes (1984); Smith, King & Hoebel (1970). For a useful overview see Berkowitz (1993).
Frustration as an Important Factor in Aggression
The Frustration-Aggression theory proposes that aggression occurs as a result of frustration. The inference is that if individuals are frustrated in achieving their aims, the most likely response is aggression. Such individuals are motivated to be aggressive towards whoever or whatever is standing in their way. While frustration often leads to feelings of aggression, critics of this theory have argued that it does not explain all the causes of aggression. See Dollard et al (1994) cited in Berkowitz (1993) p.45 – 47.
Aggression as Learned Behaviour
The theory of aggression as a learned behaviour is called the Social Learning Approach. This theory argues that aggressive behaviour is not inborn, rather it is something that is learned, either through direct experience or through observation or imitation of others. The more that an individual’s aggression is rewarded, perhaps by getting what is wanted or by parental approval, the more likely that person is to be aggressive in the future. See Bandura (1973) cited in Berkowitz (1993) p. 230 – 233.
Experiencing Aggression
In order to understand aggression in others, it is useful to consider your feelings of aggression, as this varies from person to person. Reaching an awareness of your personal experiences will help you to monitor and control your reaction to aggression in others.
Individuals are both physically and emotionally affected by aggression. Emotions can alter their physical state, e.g., when you are feeling angry the muscles tighten, the heart beats faster and shaking can occur. The following list includes common physical and emotional reactions associated with anger:
Physical Reactions:
- Rapid breathing
- ‘Butterflies’ in the stomach
- Muscle tension
- Dry mouth
- Sweating
- Rapid heartbeat
- Legs feel weak, shaky
- Shaking
- Clenched fists, teeth and jaws
Emotional Reactions:
- Frustration/feeling powerless
- Impatience
- Hostility
- Depression/anxiety
- Anger
- Restlessness
- Feeling upset/starting to cry
As a sufferer or helper it is important that you understand what sort of behaviour or person makes you or your subject feel aggressive, how you or they react and how you and they control it.
